Blackbird Solo Cover

Struggle

I struggle. I find it hard to live in such a world where things aren't usually in their purest form, black and white. I am bombarded with choices, good and bad, and I sometimes make the right mistake.

I feel that there is much sadness and aimlessness in this world. I've seen how humans take apart one another, bit by bit, to reach the top echelons of the world. I've seen friends fall, and never get up. I've seen myself caught in a web of guilt, forever haunted by the mistakes of the past.

And yet there is light at the end of this dark and harrowing tunnel. There is hope in this land devoid of sanity. There is yet faith in the darkest of hours. And that is what keeps me moving on, no matter the storms or earthquakes that may befall my journey. I grit my teeth, I fasten my eyes towards the harsh dark road, and I take a step, one at a time, closer to a destiny in which I do not know.

Many times I stumble and a creeping shadow pulls me back towards the darkness. But a hand, bright as the morning and warm as the love of a mother's embrace, grips mine as firmly as a stout mountain stands against an ever raging sea, and urges me forward.

Urges me to move. Urges me to not to give in. Urges me not to conform. I have seen my fair shares of mistakes and broken regrets and I know the pain that lingers in every torn soul lost in the sea of shame. I do not intend to fall into the same aimless cycle again and again and have myself be pulled out by a force greater than any man could ever comprehend. It is not right. It is not going to get me anywhere. So I move.

I am not alone. I once, through my own sorrow and brooding, had thought that all had forsaken me, all had left me to wither and die in the place. But no, there are still warm souls out there, that are seeking something, just as I am. We aid each other, through courage and spirit, through our sweat and tears, through our meager victories, and through our gentle silences. We. Are. Not. Alone.

Though thunders cast a bright hue of fear across the skies, we will march into the clouds and claim the rain. Though the demons find us to feast upon, we will bare our fangs and fight, fight and fight, until blood has lost all its meaning. Though the loved ones we seek are far and distant, we will walk even on fire to find a place to call home.

Though we are here, we will never. NEVER. Forget.

We will prevail.

The Walk

I see you fall,

Head first into guilty streams too strong,

Where your shame and your actions,

Covered that once unblemished sky,

I've heard your tears,

The long echoes of distraught,

Where you are chained,

Beneath the prisons of darkness beyond,

But I will bring a light to you,

Be it a little small,

I will give hope,

Until there is none at all,

These chains that lay strewn across your heart,

I will break them piece by piece,

Where the wounds show their faces,

I will cover with peace,

So lay down no more young friend,

Break free from the mirror,

Life was never meant to be walked alone,

When one has hands for many to hold.

Its funny

Its funny how important,

How meaningful,

How sometimes sweet memories,

let themselves be forgotten,

Not by the grace of time,

But by the hands of men,

Where once there was a whole,

followed by an empty chasm,

That train we all took hand in theirs,

Slowly our grip was lost,

Slipping and sinking,

Into a space alone and distant,

We were there for your troubles.

We were there for your tears.

We were there for your voices.

We were there for you.

Where was the man,

Hero was it his name?

Well let your hero come,

and you'll see all the lies he's done.

Blood, Sweat and Tears

These cries of pain,

They echo in the plains,

These tears in the rain,

They fall through the darkest of flames,

What pushes these souls forward?

What gives them strength?

Who knows the pain that lingers,

Deep within their fragile fingers,

The cold etches a drought,

Their eyes shut tight from tears throughout,

And a massacre of words their kings provide,

But no hope and peace and a place to hide,

They cover their ears from screams of sight,

There wander away their dreams are blight,

These demons of red skies they forever fight,

In hours so deep there is no night,

What moves these men and women forward?

What gives them fire inside withdrawn eyes?

Is it not a flickering of perpetual light?

Where only one can find a single delight?

No, it is but the iron in their bones,

It is the fire in their blood,

It is the howling in their spirit,

It is their very own Blood, Sweat and Tears.

architecture

I'm only in my Foundation year second semester in Taylor's University but I've learnt quite a number of things during the duration of my course. I've learnt that sketching is a vital and crucial skill needed by architects and that sleep is often a forgotten practice. Assignments keep piling up week after week and the creative juices our minds are trying to secrete are slowly dwindling with every assignment given.

Do I enjoy it?

To a certain extent yes. The work keeps me busy, gives my life a sense of purpose and helps me get through my days. But there are those hard days where I'm left baffled at why I even enrolled in this course. In University, you expect the childish things like not finishing your homework and giving an endless list of excuses to vanish. But it doesn't. Its still there, even in the most prestigious of Universities.

The group that you associate yourself most with can have a heavy impact on the outcome of your studies. Whether you've chosen your own group members or not (if not, then prepare for a hell of lot of work), these very people you're working with will be your teammates for that semester.

I can't say I'm too happy with my members but who am I to complain? The entire school of architecture in reality, is a dark place. I see my fellow compatriots give me smiles but I don't see the sincerity of it. I guess that is why I prefer to be alone most of the time with my music or my sketchbook. I just can't handle listening to bullshit. But I try to make things go smoothly.

One goal: The crush the stereotypical architect image.

Coping

Its been another two months since my last actual blog post so I guess an update is always welcomed. The new subjects this semester for FNBE have been slightly easier than the last so far and I find myself with a little more free time than before. Maybe its just me or maybe I haven't gone through the semester long enough to feel the true tortures of the architectural lifestyle but I believe things are turning out for the better.

I've gotten used to living in this new place of mine. Every morning I wake up to either my alarm or to the incessant stomping of my housemates feet on the wooden stairs. Then I freshen up, grab my bags, put on some shoes and head to college. A 15 minute walk ensues. At the start of my new semester, having to walk 12-20 minutes to University was a total pain, I couldn't stand wasting so much time just walking and I hated to sweat so much before the day even started.

But now, I find that there are many simple yet peaceful moments in walking and not to mention the health benefits as well. There are hard days and there are normal days. During the hard days, walking allows my mind to wander for a bit, to not think so critically as I usually do by mashing up thoughts up thoughts until everything becomes a complete mess of words. It gives me a small semblance of peace. And within my various walking sessions, I see the world a little bit differently each time.

I see trees swaying in the wind, their leaves slowly flowing back and forth as if dancing to a tune. I notice the kids at the futsal and basketball courts, their cries and shouts a testament to the youth they carry. I notice the animals, and I see how fragile and lonely they are. In a city, strays lead a hard life. No one even gives a care about these creatures and they are left to fend for themselves in the cold and dirt.

As I finish this somewhat nostalgic post of mine, I just wish to say that life isn't all that you would hoped in to be. When we were kids, we would dream the world as a wonderful place that we could grow into. The world is a wonderful place. But its the people. Its the people that destroy that joy and bring forth problems upon problems. Don't believe what others try to force into you. That is pure bullshit. Believe in yourself, because when everything falls apart, there will be no one else to save you. Except, you.

Reality

In the dreams of longings and truths,

I staggered through the blank stares of the streets,

I came upon such a building its walls bare,

And entered through the cracks with doors there,

And your silhouette broke through the shadows,

Lingering in the pale modern light,

My mouth curls into a smile,

For seeing you oh joy runs a mile,

You became clearer with each step,

I slowly reach out for your hand,

But I halt.

I halt.

I saw not one but two figures dancing in the light,

I saw your eyes,

But they were no longer mine,

I saw your lips forgotten lost in time,

Who is that man I said through a forceful grin,

Someone I've found who gave me hope you smiled,

Ah wonderful wonderful I said aloud,

One last smile and both disappeared into crowds,

I.

I don't understand.

You lied to me. To everyone. To yourself.

Holidays so far

I didn't manage to post up some of the pictures I took throughout this holiday of mine so I'm taking the time to do it now. So far, I haven't been much of a productive person lately unless you count computer games and very late night outings with friends productive. But I've been enjoying these days so far, with all the joy, laughter and stupidity that can only be brought upon with the right group of people.

So its 2011. I should be writing up a list of resolutions for myself now right? I vow to lose weight I promise to study more this year. I will become NTV7's SUPERSTAR! Something like that, no? But the problem is, I've done all those resolutions last year and well, look where it brought me now haha. But I still have hope. I still have hope. *grabs on to my spare tire of a belly and begins chanting*

Oh and the youth had a bus hoping welcoming party and a birthday bash (this sounds strangely familiar, didn't we do this last year?) last Saturday. It was. Hectic but kind of fun in a sense although I wasn't a proper participant. You can probably call me the worst supervisor of the bunch since my group turned out to be a mess of sorts.

But this is how it turned out to be:

We squeezed 7, I say SEVEN, people into my measly sized Honda City and then headed off to the different photo challenge locations. I had the constant fear of my car's tires and suspension giving out due to the extra weight of 7, wait no make that 6 and half people's, weight. Miraculously, we managed to get to all the photo challenge locations without the car crumbling beneath the crushing pressure. But there was a few "oh-snap" moments where other so called professional drivers would suddenly burst out onto the road out of nowhere and could've caused many a dents in many cars. In the end it turned out good.

Then came the complicated part of dropping of the younger youths at the bus station so that they could finally get on with their bus hopping picture taking uh thing. I remembered my group heading on to the bus K8 and not long later, they were off. Man, it was another story in itself when trying to keep up with the bus.

Remember scenes from James Bond or The Bourne Ultimatum? Yeah, that was practically what I had imagined myself to be, a secret agent chasing a bus/truck/vehicle that either transported stolen goods/a ruthless criminal that needed to be taken out/ or food. Oh and the background music in the car made it even more dramatic than one would normally think.

So fast forwarding this exciting day, we all finally headed back to Church with the 1000 or so pictures we had and gave them to Sarah for judging. I don't have ANY of the photos my group took since I was doing most of the driving so if you wish to see them, well, I think Facebook would do the job quite well. But I did manage to snap a few shots of my own while I was waiting (painstakingly) at Taman Sahabat.

Yeah. Just the two above pictures.

So I guess that is pretty much what happened during the Bus Hop. Now that I think of it, I'll be heading back to KL this Saturday. :( Its kinda sad since I've finally gotten so used to the act of wasting away myself by doing practically nothing for the past month but you've got to start somewhere again in the year. Anyways, here are a few more pictures to captivate your eyes (yeah right, praising myself once again). I'm heading out. Peace.